Not Easy

Started out the day with an anger in me. Damn brother din turn off the stove last night & left the fire on till this morning-little fucker, he can just kill himself for all I care, but leave me & my mom outta it.

Bitch face.

So, school was rather thrashy today too. Homework is piling up like nobody's business-think mountains.

& then there was training. I expected it...all of it. Though I was telling myself that it won't happen, not today, not in the future---how foolish. How can I not pay for the things that I've caused? Foolish, foolish, foolish-no kha, I'm not being harsh on myself. This is the first time I've shed flowing tears in IJC. No, really, it was major-ly my fault--before you decide to say its not, think first-just think. Had I been a selfless being, that game would not have had a lousy start to it, developing into a lousy end.

forget about it?
start anew?
-my dear, its NOT that easy-especially if you know that you were the main cause for the loss & everyone else is secretly voodoo-ing you--somewhere down the pits of their hearts, some space in that beating heart, there's the hate & blame. I know it, I can feel it. The cold, harsh, dagger stares outside the pitch...don't bring it in? It's hard. It really is.

Nonetheless, I will overlook the unhappiness for as far as I can. Just keep smiling--it will auto switch your mood--I swear it will, otherwise, I will make it auto switch. I'm psyching myself up, no matter what.
---
God, I'm crying out loud.
You there?

as if 3 sticks weren't enough,
I had to finish 1 packet,
get wasted & then cover up the loop holes.
outta this life,
get me outta this life.